


Ruining Steve's Christmas Tree

by Stilienski



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Flash Fic, Lots of Sex Toys, Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14525520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stilienski/pseuds/Stilienski
Summary: Tony likes spending money on things that make him happy. Like pranking people by buying a bunch of sex toys to decorate their christmas tree.Based on this prompt: Tony Stark was planning to prank Steve Rogers by buying him a sex toy inspired by Captain America. That was before he saw Spider-Man toys and OH MY GOD THAT'S A CHILD AND HE CAN NEVER UNSEE IT





	Ruining Steve's Christmas Tree

**Author's Note:**

  * For [apollonie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollonie/gifts).



> Thanks to apollonie for the prompt <3

Tony’s always been surrounded by money, grew up in a rich family, was taught to work hard and earn a good life for himself. You’d think that would make him capable of handling it like an adult, but no. That would be boring. Tony didn’t do boring. (Except for that one time where he gave a librarian a go, or that one, no two… or fourteen times he found his way into Coulson’s bed/couch/shower/kitchen table/hood of the car/back seat of the car/front seat of the car/right on top of the gear stick... what can he say, the guy’s not as boring as he looks and he’s got a hell of a car). 

The point is, Tony doesn’t like this notion of spending money on boring stuff. He’s got loads of it, so yes, of course he’s going to have a dozen perfect replicas of Mjolnir made, place them around the house just to confuse a drunk Thor. Or pay someone to replace all the black in Romanov’s closet with bright orange. Or buy a shit ton of clingfilm and set a million traps around Barton’s house to see just how good his eyesight really is. 

Or, of course… to prank Steve. Now this one has been in the making for a while. He has been collecting a lot of stuff over the years. Certain….  _ memorabilia  _ if you wish. It’s crazy how this whole superhero business makes people’s imagination run wild. Honestly, Tony’s kind of disappointed in himself that he didn’t notice the gap in the market sooner.

Buttplugs with a nice shiny Captain America shield on the base, all kinds of colorful dildos, in all shapes and sizes (though he still hopes the Hulk one comes with a free gallon of lube), Thor’s hammer must also be hammering away in lots of homes by now…

He’s got about 67 of them by now. A wide range of bright, colorful, imaginative sex toys to decorate Steve’s legendary Christmas tree. Of course, Tony being a 12 year old, he needs 69 of them. Which is why he’s browsing his favorite sites now for new additions. 

He’s already got a Hulk fist and a fleshlight with Black Widow catch phrases… He keeps scrolling further down till his eyes fall onto a section he definitely hasn’t seen before. 

Spider-Man  _ merchandise _ … really?!  **_Really?!_ **

The kid is like, what? Fifteen? Sixteen? No one needs web-themed bondage gear. Or a dildo inspired by a kid. Nor do they need a fucking Spider-Man sex swing! 

It only takes him five minutes before he’s on the phone with his lawyers. 

“... It doesn’t matter how I came upon this website, Gerald, I want this taken down. Right. Now.” He’s walking around, gesturing wildly to prove a point to someone who can’t see him. “I don’t care how you do this, I want it gone. All of it. He’s a minor, this is ridiculous, this is so disgust-” 

Just when he’s about to explain how there’s a major difference between all the other dildos and Spidey’s dildos, a fairly high voice pops up from behind him, making him freeze.

“Dude, have you seen this?!” Peter shouts out. 

“What? Nope. Definitely haven’t seen anything. Of any kind. On any site. That’s not mine. I have no clue what you’re talking about.” 

Peter completely ignores him as he blows up the image from the tablet to the big television screen on the wall. 

“Does that say 13 inches?”

“Oh my god, put that away. This is not meant for -”

“Where do they think I even hide 13 inches in those spandex? Oh my god, do you think girls will actually think I’m… you know…”  _ Of course _ … of fucking course the 16 year old would take one look at this and just be amazed. Tony pinches the bridge of his nose as Peter rambles on. “Dude… that’s awesome! Wait what would you even use a swing for during… you know… also that looks nothing like a swing! Where are you even supposed to sit? Wait do you just… hang in there? That doesn’t look safe.” 

Tony regrets making the suit especially to minimize noise. This is exactly why he never wanted kids. How on earth is he supposed to explain this? He’d prefer to just not to, can he just knock the kid out with some hard liquor? 

“Honestly though, 13 inches? Is that… normal? Oh nooo… what if everyone sees this and thinks that’s actually my…. you know. And then if I ever find a girl I want to… you know… make love to… will she be like… disappointed? 13 inches does not sound normal! What would you even do with that? Do they make spandex that big? Do you think I need to see a doctor? Cause I’m not ever gonna get… that.”

“Kid… -”

“What about… butt stuff? What about guys? Oh my god 13 inches? Won’t that like… rip something? Oh my god oh my god oh my god, this looks like nothing I want in my butt, dude! That doesn’t look safe! Is this safe? It looks like it would hurt!”

“Kid! I can’t even believe I’m about to have this talk with you, but a) you’re fine, no we’re not gonna measure anything, just trust me you’re fine. And b) lube. Don’t ever forget the lube. Now get out, forget this ever happened, be safe whatever you do, and do not ever tell Steve any of this.”

“Lube? Why would Steve care? Does he have sex toys as well? Do all of you have your own sex toys? Why won’t you let me look at my own sex toys?”

Tony barely manages to work the kid out of the nearest window while loudly singing some nonsense song just to avoid having to hear Peter say “sex toys” one more time. 

He makes a mental note to lose Peter’s invitation for Steve’s christmas party. He’ll find a way to make it up to him later.


End file.
